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My brain's the cliff, and my heart's the bitter buffalo

Sean — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 05:02:14 -0800

I don’t want to brag. Really I don’t. For instance I hardly mentioned, years ago, how, drunk and ill prepared, I bested a bunch of Spaniards on the beach in Valencia, in a game of 3am pick up soccer. I just felt that national relations are more important that one man’s exploits. Sure, my time playing for CSAA’s soccer team in San Francisco were well documented here (Start from the bottom), but if you are able to isolate from those dispatches the truth of my underlying class and skill through all those self deprecating remarks, you’re an oracle.

No, bragging just isn’t my style. So I think I will make only short mention of my latest appearance on the Pitch, this time here in Santiago. Just a short blurb, a dry one at that, free of hyperbole. Like, for instance: “Played small role on victorious side by leading team in scoring and assists”. Or maybe I’ll skip all of that. Yeah, I’ll just skip the personal accolades (as I am wont to do) and instead say that afterwards I drank beer out of 40oz bottles with the rest of MY team, in a lean-to shack like a Maori tribesman getting ready to beat his wife. And it was good.

Now, I just have to keep hold of this buzz until I make it back to the states tommorrow.

Incidently, to those who blanched at the maori reference. First, it's a reference to the movie Once Were Warriors. Second, I am surprised to find out that Indian Insults represent the height of put-down humor here in Chile. If at any point someone in your party stutters, mumbles, or otherwise has difficulty with the language (his own or your own), others respond by acting like an American Indian, and the whole group rises up in laugheter.

Strange.

I prefer lurching around with finger-horns repeating 'Ta-tonka!' but basically, anything that you would do at a braves games will work, which , now that I think about, makes me a bit sympathetic to the whole anti-braves, anti-redskins, PC cause.

Strange Indeed

CSAA IDOL

Sean — Thu, 09 Jun 2005 10:01:33 -0700

Yes, it’s true; your humble field reporter was seen ‘hobnobbing’ with ‘the big boys’ at Absinthe last night. It seems that our secret plans of Bruce, James, Greg and I are going to be discovered sooner or later, so we have decided to come clean.

We are planning the first annual CSAA Core Value Decathlon! The events, which will take place over a month long period, will be scored. Prizes will be given away, much fun will be had.

Here are some of the event suggestions we discussed last night.

Collaboration

Trivia Night: Divide into teams at local Pub. Fish and Chips are optional.

Bowling. Could have teams and individual scoring

Adaptability

8 Ball Tournament: Need to find Pub with multiple tables, and a dartboard.

Darts: Hopefully can be played during Pool Tournament

Arcade (Cumulative results of Pinball, asteroids*, and Skeeball)

*Actual, game may vary, suggestions welcome.

Other suggestions include, Board Games, PingPong, Put-Put, and Croquet!?

Accountability

CSAA Idol (Talent Contest). Everyone who enters will get points. Preliminary rounds held in 5^th floor elevator bank. Finals during all-hands meeting. Winner gets tons of points.

Members First!?

No Limit, Grand Finale Poker game. Your starting chip-stack size is determined by the amount of points you received in the previous events.

Feel free to post your comments here. We are still in the planning stages and can use your suggestions.

Vision and Values

Sean — Wed, 20 Apr 2005 15:32:16 -0700

This week instead of the normal “Report from the Pitch” I am supposed to relay a memo I received from CSAA’s Vision and Values Authority. Tune in next week.
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It remains the Policy of CSAA to encourage extracurricular activities, however, in recent weeks there have been disturbing reports that need to be addressed. Certain individuals have begun playing a weekly soccer game that resembles more of a drunken shoving match than any form of Constructive past time.

Please keep these guidelines in mind:

1. Play cooperatively, not competitively. There is only ONE CSAA, and it leads the way. Pitting employees against each other reinforces negative concepts like “winners” and “suck-ass pimps”. We are all winners at CSAA, even if you happen to miss a wide open shot from 3 feet out, Vlad.

2. Refer to each other in a positive manner. Avoid xenophobic nicknames like Vlad “The Berlin Wall” Kaminski and Swaroop “The Swami” Sen. When in doubt consider the following example:

Sean: Hey Peter is your last Name Italian?
Peter: Why yes, it is.
Sean: I too take pride in my Italian-American Heritage.

AVOID the Following

Sean: Hey Peter where are you from?
Peter: Well Sean my last name is Italian.
Sean: You Suck, for an Italian.

If these simple guidelines prove to difficult please consider alternative, cooperative, ways to satisfactorily fill your evening. Try, for instance, Yoga. or Salsa dancing.

Difalco Incident

Sean — Wed, 20 Apr 2005 15:31:22 -0700

Before I start I would like to offer an explanation as to why there was no ‘report’ last week. Despite what you may have heard It had nothing to do with the “Chip DeFalco DeFalco incident”: Let me just say that If Peter wants to bring his kid to the game, fine with me, but if Chip de Peter De Falco happens to not land in precisely the same time zone from where he jumped, don’t blame the Liability, blame the parents I also have to deny rumors that my silence is a form a protest over the lack of team spirit some Epiphanators showed last week- walking off the pitch in the middle of the do-or-die sudden-death golden-goal 23rd overtime. No need to name names, since the offending software swami was consequently fired. The true reason I haven’t written in two weeks is that there just wasn’t much to write about. That has all changed. Last night the Star-Lite Express didn’t just roll over one more band of Bush league bandicoots, we rolled over TWO bands of square-toed futbalistas.

Anyhow, here is how it went down.

The field was crowded that night: three other teams showed up, not to mention the swirling winds and encroaching clouds. There were seven of us and nearly forty of them. We liked those odds. Our first targets were stretching on the sidelines like Spanish Ballerinas, and just like Monet they looked good from far, but were far from good. Sure, they jumped to two-nil lead, but we brought our own Nutcrackers the Suite, blasting two unanswered goals. Oh, I guess they had an answer: it’s just that it was “we quit”. Their coach was whistling like Zamfir at a flute convention. He figured that they had a chance but it had a big “NO” in front of it. So rather then face the Tchaikovsky, they split.

We had worked up a sweat and were ready for another serving. I’d prefer and old-fashioned with Rye, but another bunch of marks would have to do. The picked some poor sap to guard their net, so we put Mad-Vlad The Macedonian in ours. David Caravantes and his sidekick Marco took turns deflecting the opposition’s feeble attacks: They were the Class of the field and school was in session. Vlad came out of goal long enough to run down the field, step on a few of their players, drive a half volley through their goal and do the cha-cha over their tattered remains. Somehow though the game stayed close and entered the “Next Goal Wins” phase. We played two-dozen “last points” last week, so our opponents knew it was all over but the crying. I’d say you could put this one in the refrigerator, but Deepak is so cool in midfield we didn’t bring one. We scored first. Its what we do. We had beaten two of the three teams and the third was avoiding our eyes like I avoid my Bookie on Mondays. So we split a few more points and called it a night. Hey, it was fun, but the only triple header I need starts with tequila and ends with a nap.
See you next week, sports fans.

Mobutu Sese Seko Kuku Ngbendu waza Banga

Sean — Wed, 20 Apr 2005 15:30:21 -0700

Yesterday your Epiphinators were unable resume their reign of conquest* due to Field availability issues (Our side of the field was taken by a band of permit wielding miscreants). Last weeks bunch of Bush League pushovers took the other half and could barely hide their joy, knowing that they wouldn’t have to face us. Frankly, it was impressive enough that they had somehow managed to stitch together a team from the shredded tatters we left in our fiery wake last week.

Instead we staged an Exhibition Scrimmage on an unused portion of the field. One Side, the CRM Enhancedments, consisted of The Liability, Swaroop ‘the Silk Hammer’ Sen, Vlad “The Romanian Rocket ” Kaminsky, and Sugar Shoes Shuitt. The other side, CRM_lite ™ Brigade consisted of Darrin “Football Head” Sabey, Peter Defalco, Michael Luoung, and some ringer they picked up along the way. The “D” squad was invincible. Michael Luong is a small field genius whose precision shots eluded burrowing defensive headers. Defalco’s midfield presence forced The Liability to deploy his Flailing Arms of Fury tactic to little avail. It was a lopsided affair, but the Side-A never gave up (Did America Give up when the Germans Bombed Pearl Harbor? Of Course not! ).

My only hope is that such an inspiring exhibition didn’t scare away the true opposition, who watched in growing trepidation out of the corner of their eyes.

*The name of the dictator of the former Zaire (contained, barely, in the subject line of this email) translates, roughly, to "the all-powerful rooster who, because of his endurance and inflexible will to win, will go from conquest to conquest leaving fire in his wake". At least, According to Jonah Goldberg at NRO.

Baghdad Bob May 20, 2004

Sean — Wed, 20 Apr 2005 15:26:58 -0700

Report From The Pitch

The Epipinators, our CRM Soccer Team, was supremely victorious yesterday, especially if you discount most classical definitions of the words “Victory” and “Supreme”. The opposition, a shiftless band of youthful barbarians, was repelled at every front.
First, the Star Community Players laid a cunning trap by letting the opposing Vandals score four “uncontested” goals. The obviousness of such a ploy went unnoticed by the opposition until John ”Sugar Shoes” Shuitt blew our guise of seriousness when he was penalized for having intimate relations with a park bench. All for the better, since our goalie and hardest working man in Soccer, Vlad “the hip Czech” Kaminsky, was having a hard time reconciling our “bend and then break” strategy with his daisy cutter brand of Goal Keeping. Or façade of incompetence soon dissolved as Sugar Shoes made an unbelievable through pass to the “The Liability” , who “broke the seal” for Fighting Fray of Triple-A. Living up to his namesake, The Liability promptly moved to a defensive position and single-handedly allowed two goals to the Ill-kept intruders who now desperately held to tenuous 6 to 1 lead. At that point we got serious and decided to let loose the Soccer Styling of Swaroop “the Silk Hammer” Sen who sliced through the opposing team with aplomb, leading a beautiful counter attack that was unexplainably stymied just before midfield. At this point half of the team pretended to cramp up as an excuse to strategize on the sideline. Unfortunately, just as were we preparing to spring our trap on the unsuspecting Vermin, they quickly forfeited the game, citing “Darkness” and “ a Lack of Qualified Opposition”. We will, undoubtedly, triumph next week!

Baghdad Bob